How do we begin? It’s always awkward when you meet someone for the first time. Your judging, they’re judging. Ultimately it takes time to build a positive relationship. But one wrong decision will destroy one. These moments can be fleeting, yet they can get under your skin for years. You just have to open up to new relationships with a very thick skin. This could be one of those relationships. A quick, meaningless conversation over, say, a cappuccino. An innocent flirtation. “BTW, you look fantastic today! Did you cut your hair? I like it.” I’m the type of friend that notices these things. Do you like me as much as I like you? A little is alright. Thanks, Pete Townshend.
My name is Aaron Douglas and this is Roundoms. Roundoms is essentially a way for me to do five minutes of comedy based on a random verb/noun pairing. But it’s much more than that. It’s a way for me to converse with myself. A way to justify the madness of mumbling out loud and laughing suddenly for no discernible reason. A way to put thoughts to paper that coalesce because of two random words. If I can tether a couple of ideas to this concept, then I have won! I don’t win anything tangible, really. Just the satisfaction that I can corral the monkeys in my mind into a synchronized swimming team that holds up signs in the correct order that read, “I’m That Fuckin’ Not Insane!” Close enough.
Roundoms will happen twice a week every week. This blog will go up every Tuesday and Friday with an audio version every Wednesday and Saturday. I will rest on Sunday. Just like God. Or was that the eighth day? I can’t remember. BTW, he took an entire day to “rest.” I can picture him now. Sitting on the couch, bong in hand, watching animals copulate and accidentally eating peyote. Or had he invented those things yet? Probably. Personally, I will “rest” a Bodingtons in my hand and I will “rest” some pie of a shepherd on my tongue. And when I pass out, I will “rest” some more.
For the randomly generated words, I will use a site called watchout4snakes. It’s not the only site where you can generate words and phrases, but this one is the best. Until they find out what I’m using it for and send me a cease and desist letter. To some, a stoner god just might be mortifying.
What I like about watchout4snakes are the variables they offer you. From a random word to a complete sentence. You can also choose how common or obscure you want the words to be. It’s pretty clear they were very thorough in creating the site. Though I don’t know why they chose the Prince-like domain name. But, I must say, it’s 2good2btrue! Thanks, creators of watchout4snakes! Your site rocks like an accordion playing librarian with knee high socks and cat frames around her come hither smokey eyes. Well done.
Enough procrastinating. But first let me be clear. Each installment will be a single Roundom. But let’s do a couple short ones for giggles and shits.
CHIMED TREBLE
We used to have a thing called “The Trifecta” which is roughly the same as a treble. The Trifecta is when you sleep with three different woman three nights in a row. My friend Mike once tried to correct me saying a trifecta should happen in one day. But that sounds dangerous. Maybe it could be a horrible wart on your genitals.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Cocknshtuff, but you have an advanced case of Chimed Treble!”
But I’d like to think it’s a bell you chime at the end of night three of your completed treble to announce to your Yorkshire village. “Ha ha! I did it!” The woman would give you a double thumbs up followed by handing you one of her loose teeth. “Good on ya, son! It’s too bad the first two were sheep.”
That was fun. Let’s try another one.
EQUATORIAL DODGED
That’s when you pull off her panties and the stench is unbearable. AND, she tries to push you down there.
“Go down on me.” “Oh, I can’t.” “Why not?” “I just had a root canal and my dentist specifically told me no cunnilingus!”
I just dodged her equatorial area. Thank you.
Anyway, I was going to do a few more, but I’m running out of time and space. But you get it! Those few were a bit sexual, no? I don’t know why. Maybe I’ll discover something about myself through this process. Maybe, deep down, I’m a horny thirteen year old boy. I don’t feel like one but perhaps I’m supressing it. Maybe I’m just an old pervert. I doubt it. I just say these things to see the look on your face. Just to see the look on your face. Thanks, Anthony Kiedis.
Roundoms! 