We have found a little sanity in the last few days. Which will probably mean we can stop cutting ourselves. Though I have to admire the Judas Priest logo carving i did on my arm. It will make me special. ANYWAY… Start up the generator!!!
“Why are these Americans so pissed off at me?!” Well, Hitler, you are killing off millions of Jews.” “Yes, but they hate ze black people! I hate ze black people! Especially that bimbo Auslander, Jesse Owens! Let’s see him run away from my riesen penis! Don’t they see we have so much in common?!” “Yes, my lord, but they are not stuffing them all in the ovens. They keep some as slaves. To do their laundry and cook their meals and even raise their children.” “They are keeping them?! Like some kind of pet?” “Well, not all of them. They get to kill some, but they do it as an oppressive example so none of the blacks think they have any self-worth. But, my lord, Yes. Kind of like pets.” “I see. Those Americans are very smart. Maybe I should start keeping some Jews around to make my beloved apfelstrudel. But, I’m afraid, it’s too late now. The world will see them all as heroes, and they will see me like some insane antagonist!” “You will always be a hero to me, my lord.” Oh, Heinrich. Your apfelstrudel will always be my favorite…”
Every hero must have his or her mountain to climb. There will always be an antagonist standing in their way, or it’s simply not something worth being told. People love a good struggle. I couldn’t gather everyone around my mini keg and tell them of my impending thirst that I conquered earlier in the day. “And then what did you do?” “I crossed the street and bought a Big Gulp.” There has to be a dramatic moment where the hero conquers their antagonist by flinging them down a well, or off a cliff, or from your finger. “Bro! Look at this honker of a booger! I almost fuckin’ suffocated right now!”
The first ever flung antagonists was a direct result of “The War in Heaven.” That was when the handsome and hairy werewolf named The Archangel Satan was cast down onto earth by the handsome and shiny vampire named The Archangel Michael. All of Satan’s family had to take up residence in some gloomy town in Washington state while The Great and Powerful Bela Lugosi sat on his throne while he continued to pester Mary Magdalene. “Listen, you bitch, I know it was Gabriel! Well then prove your immaculate conception and show me your hymen! What?!? Did you just blame your broken hymen on a tampon?! Fuck you! I’m changing it to “The Slutty Mary.” I’m sorry, Homer. Nobody really remembers the Greeks for creating narratives anymore. You can’t even afford a bible these days. No, you can’t borrow a Euro.
1. Snow White. The queen slips off a cliff during a storm thanks to a panty fight with a bunch of dwarves. She should have never agreed to eat the red apple acid at that orgy.
2. Peter Pan. Capt. Hook falls from the ship into the hostile waters below. Disney doesn’t show his death, but implies it as The Capt. breaks the freestyle sprint record trying to swim away from an alligator. That alligator will later be complemented on his newly shined shoes. “Thanks. I caught that critter myself.”
3. Sleeping Beauty. Maleficent has a major bitch moment and turns into The Dragon of Hell. But the dick of death shoots it’s load onto her tits and good endures as she falls into the valley below like an ex’s house in your review mirror. This gets my vote for best porn remake ever!
4. Beauty and the Beast. The conceited and narcissistic Gaston also falls from a fight to his death. But his fight was with a giant pussy that most experts say was a symbol of his sex addiction to the free running gashes of France. Which explains the characters original name, Gashton.
5. The Lion King. Another fight forced fall for Disney as Scar falls into the hungry, and angry, pack of hyenas. This death is also implied as we don’t want children to see the actual death of an African.
So, maybe there is no better way. A hero rises to glory while his antagonist falls to their demise. One rises, the other falls. We get it, Walt. Disney has risen, and we all fall for it. Great. Can you just make another quest movie now. How about this one: Mickey Mouse falls from the enchanted kingdom into the evil public domain. Then our heroes, seven short, fat, but lovable, Jewish lawyers dive in to save Mickey and the billions of dollars in the mouses pockets from the hands of the conniving, manipulative, big chested, fallen Italian angel named Intra Neto. “Oh, Mickey. You’re so fine. You’re so fine you blow is almost gone. You need to get another eight ball!”
The sexist Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch said there are only seven different plots. All of them involving a man vs. something. Or, man vs. antagonist. 1. Man. 2. Nature. 3. Himself. 4. God. 5. Society. 6. Woman. And, 7. Being caught in the middle. Which is the reason most people will say that every story has been told multiple times before. Originality is impossible. You are stealing plot lines from those that came before you. Not because your a thief, but because there are only seven fucking stories to tell. This maybe true, but here are three plots I dare Hollywood to make.
1. A well to do crack addict gets into a bizarre car crash where he loses every finger except for his two pinkies. “Why won’t this lighter light?! I have the crack. I have the broken light bulb. But I can’t even light a match!” He eventually changes the lighter game by making fingerless lighters. Winner! “Good job, Harold! Thumbs up!” “Fuck you, you insensitive prick!”
2. A urophiliac gets trapped on a deserted island where he slowly loses his grip on sanity, and his penis. “Maybe if I lie down flat on the ground. Ok. If I calculate the strength of the breeze in relation to the angle of the stream… This is ridiculous! It’s just not the same! Damn it, God! There is no-one to pee on me…” But he becomes a false protagonist as a large flock of dodos is slowly drowned one by one by “The Urinator!”
3. A round planet is being attacked by a cancer that is slowly multiplying year after year. Through constant attacks of chemical warfare and general destruction, the planet is stoic through the difficult journey. Ultimately, the planet prevails as the cancer kills itself as our hero pushes on into the dark realms of space. I call this one, “Earth!”